Guest Post: Why Adoption Isn't A Consolation Prize

Today we welcome The Daily Grind's first Guest Poster, Angel La Liberte from FlowerPowerMom.

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Why Adoption Isn't A Consolation Prize
By Angel La Liberte, Founder
FlowerPowerMom.com—The Truth About Motherhood After 40
A Child After 40—a free online community and expert forums empowering women on the journey of motherhood after 40. 

A newlywed at 40, Sharon Simons never imagined the thorny path to motherhood would lead her to the Arctic reaches of Dr. Zhivago’s Siberia.

Who would willingly go there, in any case? Like the Eagles’ Hotel California, it’s infamous for being a sinister place where few ever leave.

Ultimately, however, the journey would lead her to a life-changing decision to aid other women who face fertility challenges on the road to parenthood.

But Simons—now 45, married to a doctor and living in Delaware, Maryland—started out with a completely different dream.

She had married in her 20’s and later divorced—an increasingly common conjugal phenomenon, known to wreak havoc with anxiety over women’s bio clocks.

It wasn’t until she was 39, and a successful Marketing Director in the insurance industry, that Simons met her “soul mate” in 2005.

The couple planned to get married and—despite Dr. Simons’ vasectomy—hoped for a family.

After a sperm extraction procedure, Sharon Simons had her first IVF treatment the week following her 40^th birthday and became pregnant with twins.

In December 2006, the doctor and the expectant mother met at the proverbial altar to say their vows.

They were jubilant.
 “Everything was going great!” says Simons.

But 19 weeks into the pregnancy, she was rushed to the hospital emergency room. Physicians told her she had a “serious infection” and was “going to lose the babies” and they “needed to induce labor”.

“I woke up two days later with a breathing tube, a c-section scar, and no babies”, she recalls.
She describes it as “the most horrible day of my life” and says that her two lost boys then became her “angels.”

“I pushed through every day, even though the birth of Suri Cruise’s baby was making headlines,” she adds.

Unwilling to give up, the Simons went ahead with two more IVF treatments—which lead to a tubal pregnancy, followed by a failed cycle.

“We started thinking about adoption,” says Simons.
“I remember feeling at that moment, I was determined to become a mom!”

After researching the internet, Simons “went with her gut” and chose an adoption agency she felt was right for them.

“The next month, we were on a plane to Siberia, Russia,” she continues.
“Two months after that, I brought my sons home: Hunter Sergey, 16 months old and Dylan Dimitry, 23 months old.”

“It was a miracle how quickly it happened—I remember thinking my two angels sent me these two boys, and our family was born.”

Simons was so profoundly moved by her experience that she launched a new website, Mom At Last to aid women suffering with infertility, going through IVF, or thinking about adoption.

“My vision is to create a perfect place where women can get information and share stories on the many journeys women take before, during and after motherhood.”

Moreover, now 45—and her sons aged 5 and 4—Simons has packed some over-40 mom parenting under her belt.

“I did all the fun stuff in my 20’s and 30’s  and I am 100% ready to devote everything to my boys,” she says.

“I feel I appreciate my kids more everyday because I have struggled to become a mom.”

And the downside to being older: “Although I am more tired than ever before, I go to that place of emptiness when I lost my twins to remember how much I wanted this—it gives me more energy.”

But one of her key messages is about adoption which she feels is not a substitute for biological birth—it is simply another path to motherhood.

“Motherhood is possible at any age and adoption can make that happen,” she says.

“’Adoption’ is just a word—when you hold a child in your arms, no matter how they came to be your child, it is then you understand.”

According to Sharon Simons, the real truth about adoption is far from the cliché that most people have been led to believe:

“Many will say that when you adopt, you save a child.”

“The truth is that the child will save you.”

Notes for this blog:
Angel La Liberte is the founder of the website Flower Power Mom—The Truth About Motherhood After 40 (www.flowerpowermom.com), a regular blog featuring news, commentary, real mom stories and expert advice about motherhood after 40. 


Thank you Angel! Are you a mother over 40? How did your journey to adoption begin? 

on vacation!

I'm in Chicago visiting my best friend (and her precious 7-month old baby girl!) and my parents. I'll be back in this space next Thursday with an exciting tutorial on creating a Lifebook for your adopted child!

Look for a guest post here Thursday from Angel La Liberte. Founder of FlowerPowerMom: the truth about Motherhood after 40, Angel shares a poignant adoption story in Why Adoption Isn't A Consolation Prize.

{this moment}

{this moment} For me, a Sunday ritual of reflection. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.


Completely inspired by Soulemama. If you are inspired to do the same, leave your link in the comments for all of us to enjoy.

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Weekend Links

image from pepperpaints

• 10 Widespread Myths about Happiness :: Gretchen at The Happiness Project (I'm thinking about starting one of these in Boulder. Hmm...)

• Ideas for adding natural elements to your outdoor play space :: let the children play (this is part 1 of at least 3; I really like her ideas.)

• The Value of Being Heard :: a guest post by (dad) Shaun at SimpleMom (good article about how we sometimes over-analyze  our child's questions.)

• Plan a sparkling 4th of July party :: M3 at Do They Have Salsa in China? (fabulous ideas for an unforgettable 4th of July party!)

Family Time: summer camp!

After our exciting eleven-day trip to Southwest Colorado and beyond, we returned home to three weeks of summer camp for all three (all three!!!) kids. Similar to Mae starting Kindergarten last Fall, this is the first summer all three kids can attend the same camp. Life is good.

This camp runs from 9-3 at our synagogue. It is old school, simple, and filled with ruach (spirit). Mondays and Wednesdays they stay on campus and play games, create crafts and do water play. Tuesday and Thursdays are Field Trip days (taking the bus is very exciting!). Fridays they prepare challah in the morning, have an hour with the rabbi, then take their challah to the nearby senior center and sing for "the oldsters."

This is very similar to their pre-school experience (the camp directors were all three kids' Pre-K teachers) and it is just so very wholesome and healthy. We all love it so much. I've missed the kitschy crafts, sweet challah and songs in Hebrew. I love seeing them at the end of the day, dirty, with homemade "gak-slime" under their fingernails, and, usually, soaking wet from a game of Drip Drip Splash.

When did we (I) move away from camps like this? Most of Ted's friends attend very focused camps that aim to teach the kids a skill while still having fun. (Indeed, he'll be attending a Parkour camp in a few weeks! Parkour! For kids!)

Later in July, Ted will attend Shwayder for two weeks of overnight camp. The little ones are only doing the three weeks at our temple's camp. The rest of the summer will be spent at the pool, at the library, and at home.

We will definitely write out our yearly Summer To-Do List. I know a few trips to Water World will be on the list, as well as some time at the Boulder Rez and the Denver museums.  It will be fun to see what else they want to do. Wednesday are going to be our Field Trip Days!

I hope to create a more mellow summer this year, with less rushing to a camp destination and more sleeping in, grazing on healthy snacks, and fun days with each other. Sometimes, in my desire to create "fun" for my kids, I create too much stress. I hope this summer will be different.

What plans does your family have for the summer? Do you send your kids to camp, keep them home, or a mixture of both?

Raising a Healthy Adopted Child: Adoption Language

Dealing with not "politically correct" adoption language is an issue I face in the world with my daughter. I cringe both inside and out when someone says, right in front of my soon-to-be six-year-old, "Do you know her real parents?" or "How much did she cost?" or even, and this one nearly made me pounce upon the ignorant stranger, "Isn't it terrible that they kill their girl babies in China?"

Yes, yes, all of these comments make sense if you are not "in the world" of adoption language, but it still never ceases to amaze me that people think they can say such things right in front of my child.  Let's talk terminology, so the next time you are in this situation, you don't have to refrain yourself from punching the person in front of you, but rather can educate them kindly.

• Biological or Birth parents are the correct terms for the parents that gave life to our precious children. "Real parents" is not acceptable.  We use the terms Chinese mommy and Chinese daddy when we talk about Mae's birthparents, as a way to keep the language simple.
• Adoptive parents is the correct term for us, the parents that are raising the child.
• Forever Family is a phrase many families use to describe the family that was created through adoption. We don't use this term, but it is a lovely one. 
• You grew in my heart is a sweet phrase taken from a line in the famous adoption poem known as The Adoption Creed (below). This phrase has helped me many times when the boys want stories of their antics while in my womb.
• We chose you is another phrase that, while not completely true in our adoption since Mae was assigned to us, is at the very least a testament to the fact that we wanted you, we wanted a daughter - you were so very much wanted! This, above all else, makes her feel special and happy.

It is impossible for me to imagine that I am not Mae's "real" mother. She is as much my daughter and a member of our family as either of the boys. Yet to the world, there is a difference to be explored. Correct language can help narrow the gap between what we know to be true and what is acceptable to talk about in front of our children.

The Adoption Creed

Not flesh of my flesh

nor bone of my bone,

but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute, 

that you grew not under my heart,

but in it.

-author unknown

Another question that gets asked frequently is the cost question. "How much did she cost?" rubs me the wrong way in so many ways that often I will answer flippantly. But I realize now that, with a proper reply, perhaps I can help the person avoid angering another family in the future.

Now, if the person is truly interested in adoption, then it's a whole other story. But to the random stranger in the grocery store? "The adoption fees totaled the same as my C-section!" is one response I use when I have my boys with me.

I have never yet given the dollar amount, except to other interested-in-adoption families. "How incredibly tactless!" is a reply I would love to give, but so far have held myself back. How do you respond?

Similar to the dollar amount question is the "Where is she from?" question. I recently asked for suggestions on Twitter and my favorite of all was, "From Boulder!" That seems a bit flippant, but I loved it and may use it to total strangers who have no business asking.

In general, "From China" elicits lots of head nods and sometimes even a heart-warming story of someone's sister who adopted from China, or someone's cousin's friend ...  At least in those moments there is a desire for connection.

My favorite is when someone approaches me and says, "Your daughter is so beautiful. I'm in the process of adopting from China. Where was your daughter born?" A perfect 10, this way of approaching the situation makes everyone feel at ease.

How do you deal with awkward questions from strangers in front of your children? I'd love some stories, and suggestions!

Raising a Healthy Adopted Child: Relationships with Adults

On Thursday, we talked about how difficult interacting with peers can be for the adopted child, or any child, for that matter. Today, in a similar yet different, vein, let us delve into the complex relationships our adopted children have with adults. By adults, I mean doctors, evaluators, therapists, Mom's business associate; by adults, I mean strangers, in a sense, to our children.

While we might look forward to our child's well-check visit every year, to most children, especially healthy ones, this is a once-a-year interaction (rather intimate, in some cases) with someone that is essentially a stranger. For many adopted children, interacting with adults they do not know well can elicit a variety of behaviors, many of which we as parents do not understand.

Many times Mae will not make eye contact with my friends, even ones she sees more regularly than once a year. I used to get very upset by this and think she was being rude. It took a dear and wise friend to point out the anxiety an introverted child can have with the intense sensory input of direct eye contact.

This had never occurred to me - that to an introverted child, the very act of making and maintaining eye contact can be emotionally and physically uncomfortable. Once I realized how difficult this was for Mae, I lowered my expectations a little, and encouraged her to make eye contact quickly, then look away. She is much more willing to look directly at "strangers" now, because she is free to drop her gaze right away.

Another seemingly rude behavior was not speaking or responding when spoken to by the adult. Now, for a doctor visit or a speech evaluation, for example, this can be critical information to the doctor, so we would talk at length about responding to the questions. I'll never forget Mae's speech evaluation at Child Find when she was almost three; she didn't speak at all.

The evaluators weren't sure she even had any language, let alone a speech impediment, so I left that evaluation frustrated and worried that Mae wouldn't cooperate. Now, with the gift of hindsight, I see that she was much too introverted to respond to a stranger for that amount of time. Happily, we had her speech tested in Kindergarten, with her teacher that she loves and trusts, and all is well.

I think, with these children, all we can do is prepare them for what will be expected of them, but we can not expect them to cooperate with the same degree of verbosity as an outgoing, fully confident child. Knowing this about Mae has helped me prepare my friends, her teachers, a doctor etc., for what they in turn can expect of my child. Our job, after all, is to advocate for our children; what better way to support them than to stand behind their seemingly idiosyncratic behavior with an explanation and a hug.

One other area that worries me about Mae's interaction with adults is her tendency to obey whatever she is told to do. In an evaluation, while she is silent, she will "do" what she is asked. I notice that in areas of instruction too, such as a testing situation at TaeKwonDo or a command from another unfamiliar parent at a gathering.

I worry that I need to teach her to stand up for herself more, but am I looking too far into the future with this behavior? This desire to please shows itself in all relationships, whether it be with parents, siblings, peers or strangers. Teaching my child to be polite yet strong will, undoubtedly, be one of the toughest challenges I have as a parent.

How does your child interact with adults she doesn't know? Are you embarrassed by her behavior? Do you explain it to your friends? How do you handle it? 

{this moment}

{this moment} For me, a Sunday ritual of reflection. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.


Completely inspired by Soulemama. If you are inspired to do the same, leave your link in the comments for all of us to enjoy.

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Weekend Links

 

• Perfect Iced Coffee :: The Pioneer Woman (I am SO fixing this!!!)

• 101 Ways to Embrace Summer :: Mandi at Organizing Your Way (I love lists like these.)

• Rest, Reflection & Renewal :: Tsh at SimpleMom (All about taking time off during the summer... ah..)

• 3-Ingredient Recipes :: RealSimple (Just what I need for quick and easy summer recipes! Plus you can enter your own!)

Family Time: at the cabin

Every June, we trek to Estes Park for our monthly chavurah. A special treat, June chavurah means many things to each faction of the family. To the kids, the cabin means an entire day wandering in the woods, creating forts and secret hide-outs. For the adults, the cabin means a day spent relaxing, chatting, playing horseshoe, Scrabble, and of course, eating!

We noted this year that the children were gone most of the time. We occasionally needed to help in moments of strife, but in general, they kept to themselves. There were only two little ones left who need their Mamas - the rest were all outside, exploring, all day. It felt ... good!

It also felt, as it does every year, so exactly what we want for our children. The space to explore and play freely, yet safely, is hard to come by in the city. But out here, it is still safe. The children saw a deer just feet from them; an elk herd wandered up near the cabin around lunchtime. Magic!

June chavurah always inspires my inner hiker. I resolve to take my children on more hikes, to try to recreate the free, imaginative play they love so much up at the cabin. What is it about being outside, unsupervised, that creates such content children?


How do you encourage your child's free play? Is it difficult to balance safety and freedom where you live? How do you manage? 

Raising a Healthy Adopted Child: Relationships with Peers

We discussed the sometimes stressful relationships children can have with their close family members on Monday. Relationships with peers can provide an unique insight into your child's "outside" personality, should you be able to observe their interaction.

With a peer that is relatively unknown (a new friend at school, for example, or a neighbor at the pool), Mae exhibits what I label "the fake personality." She is achingly shy, rude even,  and will seldom, if at all, make eye contact. She will cling to me and not engage with the other child at all.

This worried me for years, until she began preschool. The preschool had a little closet with a one-way mirror - perfect for nervous mothers to spy on their children! Sure enough, like most children, I learned that while she was painfully shy and reserved for the first few weeks, months even, when she finally became comfortable, she came out of her shell.

This has advanced itself now, at age 5 (almost 6!) to a mere five minutes of initial shyness, after which she will engage with her little friends with much joy. What a relief!

I do notice a strong desire in Mae, and in other adopted children that I know, for sameness. Mae very much wants to "be the same" as her classmates. Whether that means bangs or darker skin, she is acutely aware of the ways in which she is different (sadly, she is the only Chinese child in her entire grade).

Another friend of ours, a boy I babysat when he and Mae were little, recently was asking about adoption. He was stunned to find out that Mae was adopted. It had never occurred to him.

This sensitivity to "being different" will, I expect, continue to play a role in Mae's psyche for a long time to come. There are a lack of local Chinese schools here, which is why friends and I are considering starting a car pool to enroll our children in the Chinese school an hour away. Somewhere, somehow, they just want to fit in.

She is a genuinely introverted child while I am an extrovert. I am grateful to all she has taught me about respecting her method of dealing with her peers. It may be different, but in the end, she has lovely little friends and she loves playing with them!

How does your child react with her peers? Do you notice extra shyness when meeting a new friend? How do you help your child in these moments? 

Raising a Healthy Adopted Child: Relationships with Parents and Siblings

On Thursday, we delved into the complexities of Attachment and Bonding in adoption. Today we are going to move on to the daily interactions our children have: their relationships with us, their parents, and with their siblings.

All children, whether adopted or not, have intense relationships with their parents and their siblings. We are safe and children know they can relax at home, usually resulting in more drama in the home than out in the world. This is so important, and so necessary, but it can also be intense and exhausting to deal with angry or frustrated children from the second school lets out to the moment they collapse, exhausted, into bed at night.

With my biological children, I find their transition to home easier and less stressful, for all of us. Once home, they relax, eat, argue, play and otherwise enjoy their down time. With my daughter, things are trickier.

• Arguing (or as my mother would say, sassing) is a constant theme in our time together. While my son will probably become a successful lawyer due to his advanced arguing skills, my daughter may well become the court judge; her opinion is the only one she will consider. This arguing, while frustrating, is her way of coming down from the stress she has experienced outside of the home. It's an interesting way to decompress (why not jump on the trampoline, honey?) but it's her way.

She will argue with her brothers just as vehemently, often about issues so trivial I can't believe they even engage with her. This can be construed as a desire for attention from them as much as from me. We deal with this by (sometime gently, other times not as gently) asking her to please stop arguing, and would she like to do some coloring? This will either end with a huff and a stamp (this one is OK) or a tantrum that only resolves with the aforementioned time-out.

Either way, we are working on it and we are acknowledging that this seemingly annoying behavior has a place in her psyche. It is then our job to let her express herself, within the limits of proper respect for those around here. It's a big job!

• Next to arguing, she also has a stronger need for physical touch than her siblings. While they will allow themselves a brief hug from Mom, Mae needs my lap, my hugs, my kisses, all of the above and more. She is often quite desperate for physical interaction that will clash rather loudly with our after-school activity schedule. But I try.

I am sometimes able to make up for a busy afternoon with an extra snuggle at bedtime. Other times nothing will do but a stop in the routine for a chat and some lap time. When I find myself getting frustrated with her neediness, I can often be calmed by acting in a loving way: when I do what she needs, I will eventually begin to feel it as less of a burden and more of a pleasure. Not always, mind you, but sometimes.

• I find that her need for physical affection can also be compared to her need for equality in all areas of our lives as a family. If I am comforting Sam because he has had his feelings hurt, for example, she will construe a story of her own woe. (Perhaps true, perhaps not - does it matter? Not really.)

Equal time, equal treats, equal stories at bedtime, these all address her sense of unfairness in her world. The world has been unfair to her, to be sure. And here I come to the rescue, establishing that at least at home, while things might not be equal, they will be fair.

Isn't that what home is? Isn't home a place to regroup and relax? I do hope someday she will stop queuing in line for a hug and start relaxing. Until then, my lap is open!

• Often while in my lap, other stories of her helpfulness will come out. Did I know that she had folded the towels for me? In my thanks, I find my sadness growing that her desire to please (both her parents and her brothers) is still as strong as ever.
  

She will cheerfully serve her brothers, fetching them water or an apple. She will set the table for me and take on chores too heavy for her, in an attempt to gain my praise. (Let me just mention than if I suggest a chore for her, we instantly leap to the aforementioned arguing; it must all be her idea!)

I worry about this one, though I am also grateful for it. She is a terrific helper and I let her know it. But I worry that this area could become a downfall in her future.

I don't want her to serve her friends, bowing to their every whim. I don't want her dating (or marrying!) a man who thinks he should be served. So, while I enjoy her helpfulness, I recognize what is behind it, and try to communicate to her than she doesn't need to please me all the time, just in the normal "do as you're told" child-parent moments.

This is not easy for her, but we have many opportunities to practice it, so I trust I will get through to her eventually. In the meantime, we talk often about what makes a good friend, and so far her choice in little friends is impeccable!

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Relationships with our closest family members can be difficult. Why do we continue to treat the ones we love the most poorly? It all comes down to our level of trust that in spite of our moments of anger/frustration/your-emotion-here, our family will always love us.

In many ways, Mae has shown that she feels this level of trust. While she is perhaps not sure that we will always love her, she is comfortable enough to test us. That in and of itself is a huge step.

So, what of the arguing? The need for constant physical contact? The demand for equality and attention? The worrisome desire to please? These we use as daily teachable moments to show our daughter that she is loved, that she is valued, that she is one of us. This constant, on-going work is another area in which we must help our children learn their place in this world. And this lesson is easiest taught while snuggling.

How does your adopted child interact with you and her siblings? Do you notice a difference between children? 

{this moment}

{this moment} For me, a Sunday ritual of reflection. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.


Completely inspired by Soulemama. If you are inspired to do the same, leave your link in the comments for all of us to enjoy.

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Weekend Links

• Tips to Travel Overseas with Babies and Kids :: Rachel at Small Notebook (great tips for any trip!)

• Barack Obama's Chili Recipe -- in the Crockpot :: Stephanie at A Year of Slow Cooking (my favorite food site - and my favorite chili!!)
  

• Avoid Summer Burnout with a Summer Fun List :: Jamie at Steady Mom (we do a list and it's such a great way to make sure to get all our "fun" in!)

• soulful mothering ~ with tara thayer :: a guest post at SouleMama (I think I've found another SouleMama-esque blog! She writes so beautifully.)
  

Family Time: Vacation Recap

Oh, the adventures we've had! What a wonderful vacation, and one, I hope, our family will remember for years to come. Here is a recap of all the fun we had!

We started our trip the minute the kids were finished with school. We headed out at noon and reached the Sand Dunes before dinner. We set up our borrowed 3-bedroom tent and established bedrooms (Ted and Sam each had one, while Mae and I slept in the main area. Paul had his own tent).

When our friends began arriving, the fun began! Each family had a different meal to prepare (breakfast or dinner, lunch and snacks were on our own) and each meal was a feast. Soccer games, of the ghetto variety, were constant in our campsite.

We hiked the Dunes twice. The first time, just Paul and the boys ventured up to the peak. Mae and I remained somewhere in the middle of the dunes, setting up the sled as a wind shield. The next day, with the full chavurah in attendance, groups splintered off and ours ascended multiple peaks. Sadly, Medano Creek was just a trickle and with the wind as strong as it was, a day at the "beach" wasn't in the cards. Still, we had a blast!

We hiked to the Visitor Center twice and went into town to an old-time diner for lunch and root beer floats with friends. It was a very windy experience, but it was great to be with the chavurah for an extended amount of time. Maybe next year we can camp somewhere a bit less windy...

We took off for Mesa Verde next and stayed in a hotel. That was bliss. Real beds, hot showers, an inside pool and full breakfast made us all very, very happy.

We went to the Anasazi museum and learned a lot of information that would really inform our tours the next few days. We especially liked the hike near the museum, where we learned about Sleeping Ute Mountain (the chief is in the pic above). Sam and Mae completed the "Junior Ranger" workbooks and earned their pins, which was very exciting. Sam in particular was riveted by the cliff dwellings.

We toured Cliff Palace and Balcony House and even visited Spruce Tree House twice, because we could actually climb down into a kiva. We also loved the ruins at Far View, where the kids could walk inside and all around the sites. All in all, an educational and fun trip!

Then we moved on to Moab, to camp with friends from Horizons. I could have gone home at this point, but the kids were super excited to play with their friends, so we went. And it was fun, but stressful.

Sam got hurt twice and Ted once. Mae made friends with two little twin girls right away and was happy as a clam all weekend. We made some new friends and got to reconnect with old ones. It was fun.

Mostly the kids climbed the rocks all around our campsite (hence the accidents) and we did get one mini hike in, as well as the Junior Ranger book for Sam (of course.) Sam's favorite part was the petroglyphs; Ted loved the climbing. Mae and I loved the socializing and I think Paul was pretty content to drink beer and chat. We were all very happy to get home to our sweet old dog, our very affectionate cat, and the non-dead hermit crabs. Hooray!

What will your family do for vacation this year?

Raising a Healthy Adopted Child: Attachment & Bonding

On Monday we talked about trauma triggers and the job we have as parents to help our child navigate through them to emotional health. This was a huge part of parenting Mae in the first three years. For children who, sadly, had a harder institutionalization experience, dealing with trauma triggers may continue to need work throughout their lives. But you can do it! There is a large community that will support you.

Moving on to another big word in adoption, let us talk about Attachment and Bonding. Attachment in adoption can be tricky. If your child was lucky enough to have been in foster care, she probably did form an attachment to her caregiver. When transferred to you, there was most certainly a grieving period for that caregiver. Older children will often go to the door of the hotel, trying to return to the person who cared for them.

Many children spend their months in an orphanage, a Social Welfare Institute, or an institution. These three words mean the same thing and usually translate to a high baby to nanny ratio and limited engagement with the same caregiver. Initially, Mae and I bonded right away. She had never bonded with another caregiver and had no one to grieve for, other than the familiarity with her surroundings.

But a solid attachment is still hard, because these children, like Mae, have never learned how to bond. So they don't trust you. They don't trust that you will always care for them. They don't believe that you will come back to them when you leave. In short, they continue their institutionalized behavior of shutting down and not letting anyone in.

I was told by my adoption agency, CCAI, to seek eye contact as an initial step in bonding with my new daughter. This went well and she was able to make that step easily, while still in China. Other areas remained difficult for us.

• Showing Affection manifests itself in different ways for different children. Many children withhold affection and tense up when being hugged, etc. Far from denying me affection, Mae has always been overly affectionate. While this is a pleasant problem, it means she is not fully bonded to me. It means she still thinks she needs to work hard to make me love her. I return the myriad hugs and kisses with my own, hoping that one day she will relax into her role as my beloved daughter.

• Seeking Comfort is an area in which Mae has flip-flopped from what I would expect. Rather than shutting down, which we will discuss next, she demands my comfort when she is upset. It is wonderful that she wants and needs my consoling. But it is distressing that she cannot comfort herself. Still, I'll take this area on willingly. It is very rewarding for a parent to hold a sobbing child and watch her relax and calm down in your arms.

• Shutting Down is a more typical response to pain, whether it be emotional or physical. These children often sleep more than usual (Mae did this in China) as a way to avoid the confusing emotions they experience when they are awake. Older children will not make eye contact, especially when "in trouble," and have a very hard time working through things that are troubling them. These children seem to have a very high threshold for pain, since they do not cry when hurt and do not ask for help.

• Superglue Baby was a term I affectionately used for Mae, but since she is almost six, it is wearing a little thin. Some children will roam and only return on their own terms (as a reader commented in Don't Leave Me Alone) while others will cling to the parent. Mae used to spend all of her time with me, either next to me or on me. Touch was key for her. As she's aged, I no longer have to hold her, but she is always with me. I try to have patience. I encourage her to color in the dining room while I prepare dinner in the kitchen; that way we can still chat without me tripping over her. But it is a process, and a slow one.

• Sleeping Alone affects many children, adopted or not. But for the adopted child, many parents find that their child simply cannot sleep alone at first. Even now, Mae sleeps with her door open and the hall light on. She is not afraid of the dark, but she is terrified of being alone. Many parents practice Attachment Parenting, and for those that embrace it, it is a lifesaver for those families. We chose to stay the route we had begun with our boys, but we did so gradually and with much love.

• Expressing Feelings is the, dare I say, last step towards a full attachment. When your child can tell you that she feels sad because she is thinking of her Chinese mommy, for example, her world opens and suddenly all of those overwhelming pre-verbal emotions can be discussed in the light of her current knowledge. Mae is not yet able to express her feelings verbally, but responds well when I state them for her. "Are you feeling sad because you don't want to have different hair than your friend?" will elicit a wonderfully healthy discussion about how being different can feel very hard some days. With this last step, a child is ready to deal with the emotional trauma she has been storing.

Attachment in adoption is one of the key issues for many families, while others have no problem with it. This is another testament to the many different types of personalities our beautiful children have. Some children are naturally sensitive. Some are naturally optimistic. These differences are apparent in both adopted and biological children, but when we can help our sensitive ones to truly trust us, these differences can be slightly minimized.

Was attachment easy in your adoption? What help can you give to those that are struggling?

Raising a Healthy Adopted Child: Emotional Triggers

Welcome to the first post in my summer series about the Health and Education of the adopted child. Since June is Emotional Health Month, let's dive right in and start with the emotional triggers that many adopted children share.

A trauma trigger is "an event causing traumatic memories or feelings to resurface." (Wikipedia)

When talking about events that happened before a child has the capacity to remember them, it is referred to as "emotional memory." In many adopted children, the emotional memory of being cold, alone, hungry or sad can become easily triggered, causing the child to "overreact." This overreaction is actually a very useful coping mechanism; it is the flight or fight response to a threat of survival.

Our therapist explained to me how the amygdala, the area of the brain that processes emotions, can, through repeated trauma, become oversensitive. An oversensitive amygdala translates to an overreaction to a mild trigger. For example, Mae would scream when she was cold. Even though I would diligently put her little mittens on her hands, she would continue to scream. If I didn't warm her immediately, it could escalate to a full "episode." Why?

Because (our therapist and I surmise) she had been cold in the orphanage but no one had met her need for warmth. When a need is not met that is perceived as a threat to survival, the amygdala goes on alert, firing on all pistons and urging, "Flee! Flee!"

There is a beautiful story that drives this point home like no other:

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One cold early Spring morning a beautiful, healthy baby girl, 3 days old, wakes up to find herself alone on a deserted street, hungry and cold. Her mother does not answer her cries, and in fact no one responds for hours. The baby, increasingly agitated and distressed, screams with primal urgency. Eventually a stranger happens by, picks up the crying baby and delivers her to the police station. Through several more intermediaries, the baby is eventually delivered to the local social welfare institute. ...

Eventually the baby stops crying altogether because she has learned that crying rarely draws anyone to her. She is often lonely and scared, especially at night. The sounds of other babies crying and in distress cause her great anxiety, which she learns to tolerate by shutting down and withdrawing deeper inside herself in an attempt to protect herself from the constant stressors in her environment.

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Read the full article here.

This was an article that made my understanding of Mae's emotional memory much clearer. Our therapist agreed that it was a solid explanation of the whole picture of emotional triggers. Our babies may have been pre-verbal, but they were not pre-emotional. Understanding this piece of their history can help us de-escalate "episodes" before they go to far.

Another piece of advice from our therapist was to articulate Mae's feelings for her. As a little child (and even today), we'd say, in an angry-ish way, "Wow! You're angry! That made you so mad!" Oftentimes, rather than ramping her up into a full-blown tantrum, this simple comment would seemingly relax her. She'd nod emphatically and need a hug. And move on. Amazing.

I used to try to avoid triggers altogether, but as she aged, I worried I was turning her into a spoiled child. A daily example is when she talks back to me. "Please brush your hair, Mae." "I WILL! STOP TALKING TO ME!" might have earlier been ignored by me in an attempt to prevent her from escalating.

In the last year or so, however, we've instituted House Rules into our home. A violation of the House Rules earns the offender a time-out. As I mentioned earlier, time-outs on the steps work much better for Mae than being sent to her room. With these practices in place, she is learning, albeit slowly, to speak to me politely. And I am teaching her to be respectful, while still showing her that I love her (remember, all time-outs end with a hug!)

Our adopted children have more on their plates than our biological children. They have pre-verbal, stored, emotional memories of grief, loss, and for some, intense anger. Understanding why and working to help them manage these feelings is one of the most important ways we can help our children develop into emotionally healthy adults. Understanding the emotional triggers behind their behavior can be the key to their happiness.

Thursday's post will focus on Attachment and Bonding, an area with which many families struggle.

Does your child have any triggers? What have you found helps with those triggers? Do you have any advice for families struggling in this area? In what areas do you struggle?

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{this moment}

{this moment} For me, a Sunday ritual of reflection. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.


Completely inspired by Soulemama. If you are inspired to do the same, leave your link in the comments for all of us to enjoy.

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Weekend Links

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• No Cook Homemade Playdough :: Our Red House (Summer always means lots of playdough!)
  

• Simple Treats to Beat the Heat :: Simple Bites (I'm really ready for summer!)

• Adoption Themes in Kung Fu Panda :: Adoptive Families Circle (I'll be taking my kids - what about you?)

• 15 Fun & Frugal Memories To Make With Your Kids This Summer :: Keeper of the Home (I love these simple ideas!)
  

Family Time: camping!

Spending time together as a family has previously meant a two-day drive to the Midwest to visit our parents. This year, we decided to take a family vacation together. Camping, hiking, s'mores, soccer, visiting ruins, swimming ... all the trappings of a fantastic family vacation.

With vacation comes the slow but steady realization that the kids really can get along. Paul and I can have conversations that don't include event planning or child-driven activities. It's a beautiful thing.

We're having a wonderful time. Update coming soon!

Raising a Healthy Adopted Child

Summer can be a refreshing change of pace for us as parents. Free from the daily lunch-making routine, mornings in my house relax. I often batch cook pancakes for the week, while in the summer I can prepare fun breakfasts. Egg-in-a-Hole, anyone?

I also can turn my attention from After School Activities and homework towards strengthening our family unit. An area that I find often needs attention in the summer is the health of my children, Mae in particular.

By health, I have three ideas in mind. There are three types of health that are, in my opinion, equally essential to the overall well-being of my children. They are Emotional Health, Physical Health, and Education. When those three areas of Mae's life are vibrant, interesting and stress-free, I find her (and indeed, our entire family!) happier and more relaxed.

This summer, I plan to discuss each of these areas individually each month. June will be Emotional Health Month and together we will explore the different avenues by which we can strengthen and improve the emotional health of our adopted children (and our biological children too!) July will focus on Physical Health and August will wrap up the series with a discussion of Education. Meet me here on Monday for the first installment!

Please join me on this journey. Let's make this summer one of family unity, joy and peace.

What elements of your child's life do you consider the most crucial? What parts do you think can be more relaxed, especially during the summer months? Homeschooling and unschooling moms, I'd love to hear how you achieve balance throughout your school year!